So You Think You Know Dick
Can you identify some of history’s most famous penises? Take this cock quiz and find out.
February 15, 2013
(Dick for the Ages: Recognize this famous shaft?)
Plenty of die-hard porn fans could recognize their favorite stars just by looking at photos of their penises. But adult entertainers aren’t the only ones famous for what’s between their legs. Throughout history plenty of non-pornstars have achieved dick notoriety, whether because they were born with it, went to great lengths to achieve it or had it thrust upon them. See if you can identify these well-known cock-owners. For each correct response, give yourself one inch, then see how you measure up!
1. Paula Jones described this presidential penis as circumcised, short and thin, five to five-and-a-half inches long, the circumference the size of a quarter or slightly larger, with a bent or crooked shaft.
2. As immortalized in marble by Michelangelo, the penis of this Biblical hero and future king of Israel is remarkably small and inexplicably uncircumcised.
3. The jury is still out on whether this actor was wearing a prosthetic peen in his 2012 full-frontal (and upside-down) nude scene, but when it comes to his “leaked” nude pics, the jury is definitely hung.
4.Opie and Anthony unwittingly leaked a blurry image of this careless Congressman’s erect member, but it was an accidentally tweeted crotch shot of his bulging grey boxer-briefs that ultimately undid this rising star’s promising ascent.
5. This cocky hubby’s wife cut off half of his penis with a kitchen knife while he was sleeping, then drove around with it in her car before finally throwing it into a field. It wasn’t long until he attempted to piece his life back together by appearing in the adult films Uncut and Frankenpenis. Despite playing lead roles, his part wasn’t that big.
6. Not all rulers are 12 inches. When this little emperor’s “bony part” went on display at the Museum of French Art in Manhattan in 1927, more than 100 years after it had been removed from his body during his autopsy, Time Magazine described it as “looking like a maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace or a shriveled eel.”
7.This spotlight-hungry entertainer’s junk has been called many things—bent, crooked, curved, boomerang-shaped, longer than his relationship with Kim Kardashian—but many who’ve seen his sex tape would agree that his B-list wood casts a sizable shadow. Still, it’s not as big as the one cast by his elder sister, which he’s been living in for years.
8.The medical term for an erection lasting longer than eight hours is named after this god from Greek mythology who is endowed with an absurdly huge perma-boner.
9.There was some “groaning” from prudish cinema-goers when this mischievous 10-year-old’s thimble-sized, yellow boyhood appeared in a nude scene that featured him skateboarding in the buff.
10.After dedicating his 1992 memoir to his own dick, this former hip-hop bad-boy-turned-underwear model-turned-actor was once quoted as saying, “I’d take it out and slap my friends in the face with it.” Unfortunately, he wasn’t referring to the penis in his drawers, but to the 13-inch prosthetic Dirk Diggler dick he kept in his desk drawer as a souvenir.
11.This larger-than-life U.S. president was known to whip out his “head of state” and pee publicly when nature called, to play pocket pool while addressing Congress and even ask “Have you ever seen anything as big as this?” while brandishing his “executive branch” at the urinal. Oh, and he famously nicknamed his penis “Jumbo.”
12.According to testimony during Senate confirmation hearings, this Supreme Court nominee was a huge fan of Long Dong Silver, the legendary black star of late-1970s porn whose 18-inch schlong was of Ripley’s Believe It or Not proportions. (It was ultimately exposed as a high-quality 18-inch latex hoax.) This injudicious jurist also allegedly bragged to Anita Hill that his own supreme gavel was “larger than normal.”